Star Wars Meets Xena
by Goksevlu Gorski
Summary: One late night, in a galaxy far far away, Goksevlu Gorski sat in front of a computer screen, listening to ska music and discussing writing a Star WarsXena crossover for kicks. Well.... here ya go.


Disclaimer: These are the musings of a befuddled teen during the deep, dark hours of the night. If you suffer any mental damage from reading this fic, I apologize, but I will not pay for your visit to a shrink. That is your duty. You have been warned. Oh, and yes, I do not own Xena, nor Star Wars. I'm just really really bored.

And without further stalling, I present to you...

Star Wars Meets Xena! Episode 1, Chocula Chuckled, Chiding Children

Young Jedi warrior Maruvello Nix stood aboard his vessel, brooding over his misfortunes from his previous excursion on Tantooine. He had warned them twice, but nooo, they insisted on "cleaning his pipes". Pleasurable as it was, it all laid behind him now. As far as Maruvello was concerned, he was never on Tantooine, and he had never killed those poor Jawas. Before vacating the planet he never arrived on, he looted the corpses of the "poor Jawas". One peculiar item he found with a piece of space junk in a rectangular shape. It had a funny picture of a man wearing tights and a thong on it, and in odd letters, the words "Rocky Horror Picture Show" were scribbled.

Maruvello's pet droid, Wooktaculus, excellent at decoding foreign objects and transmitting whatever data they withheld, siezed the box Maruvello marvelled over. Wooktaculus found a crease in the box, opened it, and therein was a shiny disc. The disc made its way into the droid's all purpose slot, and an enthralling video of a "Timewarp" began on screen. Maruvello, much upset with the current time that he presided in, decided to join in this Timewarp.

Beneath the ship rested an unrestful cloud of gases, which would some day form a planet. Little did those cute gases know that some day, they would become a mother.

Meanwhile, Maruvello set to following instructions as given from the video. First, it was a jump to the left, and then a step to the right. He then proceeded to put his hands on his hips, and bend his knees in time. He did the pelvic thrust, and was driven insane. As the video instructed, he then did the timewarp again.

Little did Maruvello know that he passed millenia doing the timewarp, not aging a bit.

Wooktaculus, on the other hand, had died a slow and pathetic droid death, displaying the timewarp for Maruvello's usage. The droid perished, and Maruvello stood in his cloak, his sharp nose dripping with sweat, breathing in the steam rising from Wooktaculus's disembodied body. His brow shined in the flickering light, the fluorescent bulbs dying out after extended usage over the millenia.

Young Maruvello groaned in agony. His Wooktacular droid buddy had perished. He had no other friends, and prepared to biodegrade into the fine soil which made up his metallic ship. Our Jedi friend traipsed to the window, in hopes that an enemy star freighter sat in wait with its guns poised towards him, waiting to see the whites of his eyes before blowing him into oblivion. Unfortunately for him, his wishes were not met. However, he sighted a magnificent land through yonder window. Oceans and forests sat in wait to be destroyed by gunfire... or lumberjacks.

Having nothing to lose, silly Maruvello decided to mingle with the natives, perhaps to spread his seed before being sent into oblivion by the twelve-gauge rifle owned by the damsel's father.

Upon landing, the warrior prince left his ship and breathed in the air. He cried, for he had to urinate. And urinate he did; he ran to a nearby tree and urinated for three nights and three days, and when he was done, he sighed. He would never in his life get a chance to urinate in that fashion, and what a thrill it was.

Little did he know that there was urine running down his leg, and how it would sting in several hours. BUT! Enough with the urine, that is a story for another day, for his grandchildren, as they will never understand the pleasure Maruvello had just felt.

Over yonder, over the river and through woods, just past grandmother's house, a young warrior princess could be seen. Maruvello, seeking to complete his quest before death, sought to meet this fine warrior princess wearing drab similar to that of the people in the "timewarp" video.

"Ho there, damsel!" shouted Maruvello, excitedly.

"Halt, Chocula! I know what you're up to and I won't let it happen!" returned the Princess. "I, Xena, Warrior Princess, will not allow you to kidnap the children of Earth to commit various acts of sodomy. If you wish to partake in such activities, take me!"

Maruvello did not know how to respond. He had no recollection of being this "Chocula", but he could not turn down a warrior princess with a name such as Xena.

Thus...

The earth shook.

Afterwards...

"Chocula, release the children," stated Xena, returning her clothes to their previous positions.

Maruvello looked around, searching for an excuse. "About that... I'm not... Chocula..."

"What?" exclaimed Xena. "Well, in most cases, I'd kill you. But since I enjoyed myself so much, I'd like you to join me in hunting down Count Chocula. He kidnaps the children of my village, and does what we have just done."

"Oh... that's sick..." commented Maruvello.

And they set off. In their travels, Maruvello came to learn that Xena was also a Jedi, and that she came on behalf of the Jedi council. Together, they overcame problems after problem, pausing each night to shake the earth.

Finally, they reached the chocolate mansion of Count Chocula. The door was bolted tight. Maruvello, however, had a sweet tooth for chocolate doors. Thus he ate. And like a madman, at that. The door was no more. And just inside the door sat none other than Count Chocula. Together, in a joygasmic onslaught, Maruvello and Xena hacked away at Count Chocular to end the madness. Chocula fell to the floor in a disgusting melted mess of chocolate and KY Lubricant. Up on the foyer above, however, Captain Crunch emerged.

"Hah! Silly children! You cannot have your children back. Chocula was just a decoy. Mwahaha! You can never catch me."

And he ran, like a frightened child. His short stubbly legs rising and falling like pistons on a summer evening in a moist field, like the shaking of the earth. His cute little hat shifted daintily beneath his gay stride, reflecting blue off of the mirrors which surrounded the hallway. His cute mustachio shook first to the left, and then to the right... and then when you thought that it would shake no more, it went back to the right! The sight of such a stout man could send any straight man gay.

Xena and Maruvello simply stood there. Little did Xena know that Captain Crunch's stride would send Maruvello gay, but before it did...

The earth shook...

Fin...

To be continued, on another lonesome night when I sit awake listening to ska music.

This has been a Goksevlu Gorski product. Hands off, or I eat your babies In a very machine like manner Mwahaha 


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